Re-evaluating my life

by rambling away on the internet.

I found an essay this Friday written by Paul Graham while browsing Hacker News that really put some things into perspective for me; both personally and professionally. Since then I’ve been re-evaluating a lot in my life, questioning choices—hell, questioning everything. I don’t feel like I’m in the place I should be right now; it really hit me hard, harder than it ever has in my life. As an incredibly self-reflective person by nature, when I say that it hit me hard, I mean it. Even though Paul’s essay is relatively simple, it was incredibly effective in terms of sparking a train of thought that’s been difficult to stop.

Since I’ve started my new job as a full-time web developer, It made me realize that I’m not made to be in that specific jobs environment. I feel as though I need to either be working for myself or for a product I believe in. I don’t want to be working on tools that I wouldn’t use, that even the people using them won’t appreciate. I don’t care about the money or the experience, I care about using my skill set to actually make a difference somewhere and/or for someone. If I get paid to do so and I learn and improve during that time then that’s phenomenal. But money should not be the sole purpose of employment.

I’ve always understood that you have to start somewhere, and that somewhere isn’t always going to be glorious or what you’d had hoped for, but I’m tired of bending over backwards for people/products that I don’t believe in. I want to create things—make things for myself and for those around me who will actually appreciate the effort. I’m done with being another cog in the machine that’s always expected to perform at 110%, 5 days a week without any acknowledgement. If a startup or business approached me with an idea for a product that I saw going somewhere, you better fucking believe I would jump on board and work ridiculous hours if it meant building something I saw having a future.

I know I have an entrepreneurial bug that will never leave me. I’m done trying to suppress it for “the greater good”.

I vividly remember being 10 or 12 years old and wanting to start a skateboard company. I was fascinated with Transworld Magazine, Element Skateboards, etc. and wanting to do run a company like that for the rest of my life. So, what did my adolescent, past self do? I opened up MS Paint and decided to make a logo for my new “company”. I started sketching out designs for t-shirts and skateboards on paper and sitting outside of my parents duplex with a foldable table and chair, asking passers-by which ones they liked better. That’s what I want back—that feeling of curiosity and drive that my past self had. But it feels as though I get blocked by something everytime I try. I understand that it isn’t easy to pull off and that I’ll have to work my ass off and most likely balance a job I dislike while working on projects on the side. But, when you work a job you don’t like full-time, it drains you mentally and physically, leaving you a depressed mess.

This is what I want to change. I want to stop getting home from work and feeling like I’ll never obtain my goals because I’m getting in my own way or letting people stop me from achieving what I know I’m capable of. I have to make my vision happen. I need to surround myself with people who have the same drive as I know I have hidden away behind all the mundane normalities of everyday life.

This post wasn’t meant to be informative or even necessarily make any sense. I just needed to vent and solidify the whirring mess of thoughts that have been bouncing around in my head for far too long.

If anyone has any tips, words of encouragement or suggestions, please feel free to leave a comment.